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i’ve been single for almost 3 years now.. it has been great.. coz i rediscovered the person that i stopped being when i was so lost into the relationships i had w/ my exes. not that it was their fault… i know now that the changes that we allow to happen in our life happened because we didn’t challenge it and instead allowed it to control us.. but always.. u have to know when to pull urself back to the reality that u want. we all have different realities in our life and its up to us to choose which will truly make us happy, give us the freedom to be what and who we want to be without feeling guilty and compromising our values and beliefs and what will make us a better person.

on my part i have to say in more ways than one I learned the hard way.. stumbled.. fell completely on my butt, at one point i felt disregarded, disrespected, and yes.. alone..

do i regret the things that happened in my life that led me to all these?? no.. and that is with all honesty.. coz if these things and situations and also people did not come my way and made me go through it all… i wouldn’t be the person I am now.. and i have to say… I like myself better now.. I’ve matured.. no longer selfish… more sensitive to other people’s feelings.. (especially my parents), im more patient now… and I’m no longer after things just because i think it would make me happy or get ahead of everyone.

ive made a lot of bad and questionable choices in my life (and this i regret) and im not proud of it. hurt a lot of people.. gave some people a taste of hell because i thought that’s what they deserved for doing me wrong… i did all these… for one reason… because I know I can.

but during these trying times.. was when i learned who my true friends were.. and how much i’m being loved by my family.. and that… i was never alone and more blessed than i ever thought i was.

they taught me a valuable lesson.. and that is to never be too proud to say that you’re hurt, and that crying doesn’t mean that you’re defeated nor surrendering to the battle.. nor does it mean that you’re weak.. in fact it even makes u stronger.. coz by crying u are admitting that there’s something wrong… and that is has to be dealt with.. and that sometimes… no matter how strong or tough you think you are.. you would still need the help and the reassuring arms of the people who cares for u.. just to get through something or just to merely get through the day.

I’m done acting and pretending that everything’s ok.. I no longer want to show people that I can easily laugh off and shrug whatever it is that’s been hurting me.. I’m done fighting back tears just so I wouldn’t be mistaken as a “Damsel in Distress”. I’m done planning and executing vengeance.. I’m done with wanting to get even.

I’m done with that..

What I am into now.. is forgiving the people who hurt me.. whether intentionally or not.. and to no longer allow anger & resentment control my life and my heart.

and learning to accept that in this life… there are people who would come along and hurt u without meaning to, that sometimes life would throw us heartaches, confusions, sorrow,….and loss… and all we have to do when these things come along is to just go down on our knees and bow down in prayer… and to just surrender everything to him… and let him take it from there..

and after all these breath a sigh of relief and let your faith take over.

For Now... I just want to Smile.

i miss you. i really do.. the problem is u don’t know. and i dont think u will ever know.. because i won’t tell you.. and i choose not to tell you.. because im not yet ready for whats going to happen next if i tell u these three words.

its a good thing u dont read blogs.. coz otherwise… im busted… but who cares? maybe its a bad thing.. i don’t know.. im not sure.

all i know is I sometimes think of you.. I sometimes wish that i’m with you.. but thankful that im not.. coz atleast.. i just miss you.. just miss you.. anything more than that would be stressful for me. and that’s the last thing i need right now.

im not scared of u finding out how i feel.. im not scared of u possibly telling me that u’ve moved on and that u feel totally different now.. im ok w/u telling me that i had the chance before but chose somebody else over u.. by the way.. now more than ever… i realized that it was a mistake.. but also knows that everything happens for a reason. i know i blew it, and that it would take a lot from u to take a chance on me again.

im more scared of finding out that u actually do feel the same way.. coz then what? whatever situation it might bring us into.. i wouldn’t want.. coz im in a place right now.. where i dont really need anything romantic. im happy the way things are.

im happy being single.. stress free.. worry free.. no one to argue w/.. answer to.. everything’s well.. i don’t miss the cuddling.. the sweet nothings.. the i love you’s, roses. chocolates.. movie outs.. i dont need that right now.. unless it’s with you.

so there u go..

oh and before I end this.. i just want to thank you.. why? here’s why…

coz for the longest time.. ive shut myself from the possibility of actually liking or falling for someone.. because of the things that happened to me in the past. i feel like its just a waste of time, energy, and emotion.. till i saw u again.

i never thought that just the thought of someone would make me smile again.. feel butterflies in my stomach again and actually blush.. and u did all that w/ just two meetings.. so thank u.. thank u for that.

thank u for making me smile again.. that’s enough for now.

and if ever we will get together in the future…. hmmmm…. let’s see.

but right now.. i just want to smile.. and i mean really smile.. haven’t felt like doing that for a while..

so feel free to cross my mind anytime u want.

until then…

Beginning of an End

ACS Cabuyao….

how do i even begin?

man…. the pay was really bad… really bad.. not only was it 4 digits.. there were also discrepancies every pay day.. so u can just imagine… how extremely unsettling it was to look at ur pay slip come pay day… and see just how much… or… rather… how little u’ve earned on the last gruelsome 15 days of working…. Oh yeah!!! It sucks!!! but wait…. there’s more!!!

It gets worse… normally on any decent company… after 6 months of probation… ud be regularized and along w/ that comes the benefits of a regular employee…. but w/ ACS its not like that… once uve passed training… ull be deployed on the floor… assigned to a team… and that’s it… seriously…. that’s it!!! only the people who’s been there for 2 years or more gets regularized… twisted huh?! and for what… a 4 digit salary every 15th and end of the month….




BUT………. the big But… out of all the BUTS u can imagine is… how i was able to last in this company… for… wait for it….. 1 YEAR AND 2 MONTHS!! yes… thats how long i was with ACS.

the answer is really simple…

coz amidst all the chaos… the f*cked up management.…. the irate callers…. the disappointing compensation….

I have friends there… real friends…

Though we would always rant and complain about almost everything that this company has been depriving us of… We would all gather round the green bench at the Lung Center, during breaks, before or after shift… or sometimes during :)… and we would always find a way to laugh about it.

From complete strangers… to people u can’t honestly live without…
From Bosses to father and mother figures….
From Teammates to Brothers and Sisters….
From Officemates to Friends
From Drinking Buddies to Cliques
From simple get togethers… to treasured memories
From a simple Work Space…

• to where skills were honed
• bad experiences made into good
  
• where friendships were built
• a place where lifelong memories happened at its best

And now… it is the end of an Era… and what an Era it has been.. ACS Cab might suck in more ways u can imagine…. but when it comes to the people…. the camaraderie…. nothing beats ACS Cab… and no company even comes close…

I’ve been in a lot of call centers after ACS… and have met great people…. but in all honesty… i don’t know how else to say this… pero. Iba pa rin talaga ang ACS Cab.

To the current employees… this is just the beginning of an end… and w/ every story ending… comes a new beginning… on the 11th day of December… say ur goodbyes, walk out w/ ur head up high and remember… everything will be all good… BATANG ACS ata toh!

Hands Down...

hay.. eto nanaman. nakita kta. ewan ko ba.. i always have mixed emotions every time i see you. i have to admit… im never ever NOT happy to see you. maybe its because of the closeness that we have.. or how u act around me, or maybe there might be something there too.

i remember the last conversation that we had.. when u openly admitted how u felt… and how i was dumbfounded after u did.. its not that i don’t know.. or never expected u to say that.. but its the fact that after all these years.. u finally did… after years and years of denying it.. eventhough u always act like you do.. and though the conversation ended there.. honestly… i regreted not saying anything. and when i finally found the gutts to open up the topic after a few days.. u acted as if.. its not a big deal.. well maybe its not to you… but then… it was to me. but i didnt push the topic coz as expected.. u dodged it and that was my cue to stop.

but i dont know… once in a while… i would remember that conversation… and it would make me smile.. maybe coz its flattering to know that someone felt that way about me.. or maybe.. its been a while since someone did that… or maybe on the other end of the screen… there’s someone who maybe.. a little bit.. feels the same way..

but as always… its never the right time for us.. back then.. i had a boyfriend… and now… im in a place right now that i am happy where iam.

i wanted to say a lot of things to you.. i wanted to ask u some questions.. but my nerves got the best of me.. so i decided that some things are better left unsaid.. and convinced myself that it’s not the right time nor place or that ur no longer that into me, so i acted as if im w/ “just a friend” although we both know that we’ll always be more than that to eachother but time and circumstances never allowed us to go beyond… sucks right? but as they say… “there’s always a reason for everything.”

so there u go… our day ended… and nothing was cleared up… i didn’t get the answers that i needed.. coz i didn’t ask the questions. that is so me!

maybe im scared? maybe im not ready for the answers.. maybe if i get the answers that i need… i wouldn’t exactly know what to do w/ it.. so i think i did the right thing.. i think more than anything … the reason why i didn’t ask is because in someway… it might be just for self gratification..and that would be selfish. what if u told me that ur still into me?? would i say.. that i feel the same way? what if u told me.. u want to see and find out if the two of us might be right for eachother or not… would i say “that’s a good plan?” or “let’s have a go at it?” honestly i don’t know. and i might risk breaking ur heart again… and i would never want to do that ever again… maybe what happened was for the best…. i think?

but for what its worth… what im really sure of is… ur a great guy.. hands down…. one of the best guys i know actually.. and whichever girl u will end up with in the future… would be really…. really… sooooo lucky to have you.
but there’s a part of me that says… if u were able to finally admit now… how u felt for me back then… after years and years of denying…. shrugging the question… then maybe… now.. more than ever…. you’re finally over me…. and if that is the case…

im not sure how i feel about that either??

reunion w/ highschool friends

this was a couple of fridays ago.. stan picked me up around 2 pm… then we went to maf’s place @ pacita2… and then after that.. we decided that we would go to dampa for a bite… man! was that expensive… first u need to go to the market to buy ur food… then u need to find the resto that u’d want to cook for you… we bought 2 large pusits… tuna belly… and the other one… cant remember what type of fish it was… but it was made into sinigang… ansarap!!! grabe!!! as in!! mahal nga lang.

we took pics… kid around… chika.. mga eksena sa buhay ni tiya maffe… and mga kakirian ni stan.. ako.. ofcourse.. nakikinig.

after eating… we went to music 21… syala syalaang videoke bar… but not that expensive… its wer yuppies go… we stayed there and sang are hearts out…. man! that was fun… mga soundtrack ng aming life.. from upbeat songs… to senti ones… and not to mention songs from aegis… and ofcourse… yoyoy villame’s Butsikik! hahahahha! duet pa kaming tatlo don! that was the highlight of the day… next to that is when me and maf sang It’s All Coming Back by Celine D.

again… that was nice… i ended going home w/ a smile on my face… and knowing na kahit san kame mapadpad… whatever the chaos and the fcked up life we used to have… and whatever quarrels and disagreements and differences we had way back hs days… in our hearts…. kahit anong mangyare… magkakaibigan kame… and nothing can change that. :)