all the drama in the world cant make me feel any better....

is it wrong to be completely honest about how u feel??

is it wrong to save somebody you care for from greater pain?

am i selfish? is it really hard to understand me beyond my words?

is it wrong to back out on a life that is being presented to you that ur not really and totally ready for?

am i wrong for being completely honest about all this? am i selfish for saying all these things before its too late???

pressure??? kiss my ass!

how other people would react?? the hell i care!!

its my life. my decision.

and its only me who has a say on this..

if people would judge me.. then bring it on..

if u think im a cold hearted bitch.. then so be it...

no one has the right to judge me, no one knows my heart and the hell it went through.. but me.

i felt it all. been through hell and back.. and ive come out strong.

this one is my toughest yet... but dont worry, just like any other battle that was thrown at me.. i will too emerge as a better person.

you just wait..

Recurring Dream

this past few days.. ive been havin’ this recurring dream wherein i will always wake up crying w/ the throbbing pain of emptiness that i was never really able to deal w/ for the longest time.

well, its about my brother.. in my dream.. we were watching tv, and fighting over the remote. coz i wanted to watch a love story, and he wanted to watch an action packed movie w/ lots of gun fights and blood everywhere w/c i really hate and find annoying and not to mention… hello… napaka morbid kaya..

pero lage.. he wud gve up the fight and walk out.. tamang batang nagtatampo w/ matching ansama pa ng tingin and ako, i wud enjoy my victory by laughing so hard and i wud even stick out my tounge and shout "pikon!" and at the end of my watching stint, i’d notice that he’s nowhere in sight.. i wud shout his name and no one wud answer, naka kain nako, nakapag linis na daw ako ng bahay, and gabi na sobra, i still couldn’t find him. sobrang nagaalala nako, i went out of the house to look for him, and i wud constantly call out his name praying that he would answer. but still no Mark would come to view.

I would always remember na while i was looking for him everything around me is dark.. its like nasa eskinita ako.. and may ilaw yah. pero i dont even know kng san nanggagaling ung light. and i never saw the end of it. the eskinita i mean, no matter how far i get feeling ko im always back to where i started.. hanggang sa mapapaupo na lang ako sa gilid. iyak lang ako ng iyak… while calling out his name. and that’s the part na magigising nko, and hanggang sa paggising ko, tinatawag ko pa rin ung name nya, and umiiyak pa din ako.

and then everything wud come rushing back. every emotion i felt way back when we lost him, i wud feel them all at once. it feels like hell. there are no words to fully describe how much i miss him even more than i already do. but i know that i deserve every bit of the aching sadness that im going through since all this started.

feeling ko in my dream I was given a part of the past that I hold so dear in my heart. and i was forced to face the reality that no matter how much i hold on to that… i should accept the fact that i lost him forever…

but still it ain’t over till I say it is.. coz no matter where I am, and no matter what the odds are, everytime i want to be w/ him, I know where to find him.. he’s in a place where i can always take him w/ me everywhere I go…

and that is.. in my heart.

It’s been more than seven years since Mark passed away.. pero grabe… parang kanina lang.. kasama ko pa sya…

I love you so much Mark..

MARK FRANCIS REYES NIÑONUEVO

Sept. 19, 1982 - Dec. 23, 1998

MR. DEEDS

Hard to breathe, feels like floating,

So full of love, my heart’s exploding.

Mouth is dry, hands are shaking,

My heart is yours for the taking.

Acting weird, not myself.

Dancing around like a kid.

Finally time for this slob,

To know how it feels to fall in love. =)

- Adam Sandler from the movie Mr. Deeds

wow.. my fave Hollywood actor is sure damn lucky to have that one perfect moment when he found out that he’s ready to fall in love.. coz i sure wud wanna have that luxury and priviledge to finally know when’s the right time for love..

haunted by my past. damn.. it sure made me so freakin’ weary about this whole love thing.. although i have to admit.. being in the courtship palooza is indeed fun.. but whenever its time to take the plunge.. when time comes that i have to decide.. i just dont feel "it" whatever that is..

well. in fairness and for pete’s sake, i used to know what it was, used to fantasize about it over and over wen i was a little girl.. but then i became wiser and been subjected to the cruel world of betrayal, deceit, and failed relationships.. i knew then that love isn’t a fairy tale after all.. that after the guy and the girl kiss and officially becomes a couple.. not all of them lives happily ever after…. trust me i know…

so how would i know if when’s the right time for me to fall in love… i can only give u guys one answer…

In God’s time..

till then… im enjoying my ride.. =)

TO HELL W/ U!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

bakit ba kc lage ka galit? i cant understand, i know im makulit, sensitive and all that, but i dont deserve being yelled at.. i dont deserve ur sarcasm!!! im so pissed off right now, i dont know how to yell it out when im mad, i dont know how to say how mad i am, i dont know the right words to say.. i dont know how to let u know that.. PUTANGINA nasaktan ako! and wag kang magalit kc ikaw nakasakit.. im not looking for an apology kc sating dalawa parang yan ang role ko.. but i cant apologize for acting this way just because u were too insensitive to know na nakaka offend kna!

see the exclamation points.. buti pa yan it can express my anger.. how come ako mismo sa sarili ko ndi ko mailabas.. cguro kya dmko naintindihan knina.. cguro kya indi mo tlga ko maintindihan kc ako dn i dont know what to say to let u know how i felt knna.. ano ba? do u rly treat me as a friend as much as i value our friendship? o baka naman ako lang nagiisip na close tyo? assuming lang ata ako..

im not expecting u na habulin ako knna.. i wasnt even expecting na lalapit ka after what happened… dont tell me that u had something to do.. dont tell me na indi mo alam na i was waiting for u.. dont tell me any of that crap coz that’s bull!!!!

i used to be so affected everytym ur mad at me, i used to be so hurt everytym u ignore me, and push me away eventhough how many times i say sorry.. i used to be all that when it comes to u.. but now, i choose not to care anymore.. to hell w/ the so called friendship, to hell w/ what i feel for u, to hell w/ how u always treat me wen ur mad, to hell w/ ur snobs, to hell w/ everything… to hell WITH YOU!!!! I HATE YOU!!

if u dont understand my silence.. then ud never understand my words, and ud never understand me period! and if u dont.. then i guess am not a friend to u.. ano? ito ba ung gusto mo marinig? ito ba ung gusto mo malaman??!!!! o ayan na! saksak mo sa baga mo!! ito ba gusto mo?!!! o ayan!!! masaya kna!!! sana maging masaya kna.. dahil ito na yon! wala ka na maririnig saken! sa susunod na sigawan mo pako… magpapakilala ko syo!! whatever u wanna diss out sabihin mo ng maayos indi ung lagi kang nakasigaw.. who the hell do u think u are?

i know none of this matters to u, and i know that all this are just an ego boost on ur part… and i dont care.. problema mo na yan… masaya ka dyan e! bahala kna sa buhay mo.. galit ka? cge magalit ka.. lagi ka naman galit and irritable e.. ano? sensitive nnman ako?? isipin mo nga? is that really it? or gnon ka lang ka dense and insentive??? indi sa lahat ng oras ikaw tama.. tandaan mo yan… ay nko.. im tired! i just wanna sleep and wish id never lay eyes on u again.. maga nanaman mata ko nito kakaiyak… BADTRIP KA!!! to hell w/ u…. i hope id never see u again!!!!!! oo… alam ko na sasabihin mo… pumikit ako…. dont worry i can do better… pag dko natiis.. swear to god… magre resign ako.. i dont wanna see ur face anymore.. i want u to feel my angst…. sbi mo demonyo kna.. well uve proven that to me.. if u dont give a shit on how i feel… then fine… see if id care.. no more ms. nice girl.. no more hi’s and hello’s, no more of that.. no more of you!!!

HERE WE GO...

for months now ive been rethinking the past events of my life.. thinking what went wrong.. was it me? or did what happen is something inevitable that there was nothing really left to do but accept things as they come and just learn to deal w/ it…. to people concerned… it may be a surprise to actually learn that i was indeed thinking about it.. yes… i am.. behind the smile and the endless punchlines and giggles and appearing to be undazed and unaffected… yes… i thought about it and even felt it…

i didnt want to appear weak and beaten over it.. for the reason that.. i just dont wanna be some damsel in distress to people.. no.. I’m not gonna be that girl.. but still.. i’m human… capable of emotions… even I can get hurt.

they never saw me cry, but when the lights are off and the curtains are down.. i curl up in bed, hug my pillow.. and allow a tear or two to fall. and just pray that tomorrow will be a better day for everybody..

i dont talk about my emotions coz i want it something that should be read between the lines.. i want it something to be understood w/o words.. i smile, laugh, and throw jokes here and there… but behind all of these… look at my eyes and ask urself is there really happiness there?? eyes don’t lie.. not even mine..

my bestfriend told me that i’m the greatest pretender she’s ever met, and that she’s never seen someone as scared as i am in leashing out emotions… some say im a walking time bomb.. and some says that im the ice princess from down south… w/ all these evaluations of who i am.. none of it is right nor wrong coz those are opinions.. but if you’ll ask me if what i really think about myself when it comes to my emotions… i can only say this…

no matter what assessment people has of me one thing stands true.. i may not show it.. i may not say it.. but ive been hurt more than u can imagine.. maybe its my fault, maybe ive been taken advantage of, or maybe just maybe.. they just dont know the real me, that’s why they go on packing… or maybe i still havent met the person im meant to share all that i am, someone im willing to grow and live my life w/… or maybe just maybe… they never really had the patience to dig deeper to make me come out of my shell… im not saying that they did not try, sure they did, but upto to a certain extent only… sure they understand me for a while… but only for a while..

an ex boyfriend told me that.. he never really knew me.. for the longest time that we’ve been together.. he never felt that he got through me, he never felt that there was one true time that i actually shared myself w/ him, the shallowness of what we had made him realyz that the relationship wouldn’t grow and that we were a break up waiting to happen… that was a real bummer for me coz what was that?? u wer just waiting for the last straw for u to give up? isn’t a fact that wen u actually love a person.. u would do everything in ur might not to give up? but i dont know.. i maybe wrong.. we have different minds w/c comes to different beliefs.. and this is mine. but on my defense.. eventhough yah.. i wasnt sharing myself w/ him.. didn’t it ever occur to him that I was actually trying to get to know him.. but well. maybe that thought escaped his head coz he was focused on what we lack. and so.. i got the boot. one question i asked was.. is it wrong to have reservations?? it’s not like i did not allow myself to actually feel something.. its just that… i didn’t.. what the hell..

but dont get me wrong… im not a cynic, i believe in love, the madness, and the craziness, and as what they say.. it’s magic.. but the thing is.. it refuses to believe in me..

here we go.. here we go again…

• * another chance to start life all over again
• * another lesson learned
• * another day..
• * another…. i dont know.. only time will tell…