for 
months now ive been rethinking the past events of my life.. thinking what went wrong.. was it me? or did what happen is something inevitable that there was nothing really left to do but accept things as they come and just learn to deal w/ it…. to people concerned… it may be a surprise to actually learn that i was indeed thinking about it.. yes… i am.. behind the smile and the endless punchlines and giggles and appearing to be undazed and unaffected… yes… i thought about it and even felt it…
i didnt want to appear weak and beaten over it.. for the reason that.. i just dont wanna be some damsel in distress to people.. no.. I’m not gonna be that girl.. but still.. i’m human… capable of emotions… even I can get hurt.
they never saw me cry, but when the lights are off and the curtains are down.. i curl up in bed, hug my pillow.. and allow a tear or two to fall. and just pray that tomorrow will be a better day for everybody..
i dont talk about my emotions coz i want it something that should be read between the lines.. i want it something to be understood w/o words.. i smile, laugh, and throw jokes here and there… but behind all of these… look at my eyes and ask urself is there really happiness there?? eyes don’t lie.. not even mine..
my bestfriend told me that i’m the greatest pretender she’s ever met, and that she’s never seen someone as scared as i am in leashing out emotions… some say im a walking time bomb.. and some says that im the ice princess from down south… w/ all these evaluations of who i am.. none of it is right nor wrong coz those are opinions.. but if you’ll ask me if what i really think about myself when it comes to my emotions… i can only say this…
no matter what assessment people has of me one thing stands true.. i may not show it.. i may not say it.. but ive been hurt more than u can imagine.. maybe its my fault, maybe ive been taken advantage of, or maybe just maybe.. they just dont know the real me, that’s why they go on packing… or maybe i still havent met the person im meant to share all that i am, someone im willing to grow and live my life w/… or maybe just maybe… they never really had the patience to dig deeper to make me come out of my shell… im not saying that they did not try, sure they did, but upto to a certain extent only… sure they understand me for a while… but only for a while..
an ex boyfriend told me that.. he never really knew me.. for the longest time that we’ve been together.. he never felt that he got through me, he never felt that there was one true time that i actually shared myself w/ him, the shallowness of what we had made him realyz that the relationship wouldn’t grow and that we were a break up waiting to happen… that was a real bummer for me coz what was that?? u wer just waiting for the last straw for u to give up? isn’t a fact that wen u actually love a person.. u would do everything in ur might not to give up? but i dont know.. i maybe wrong.. we have different minds w/c comes to different beliefs.. and this is mine. but on my defense.. eventhough yah.. i wasnt sharing myself w/ him.. didn’t it ever occur to him that I was actually trying to get to know him.. but well. maybe that thought escaped his head coz he was focused on what we lack. and so.. i got the boot. one question i asked was.. is it wrong to have reservations?? it’s not like i did not allow myself to actually feel something.. its just that… i didn’t.. what the hell..
but dont get me wrong… im not a cynic, i believe in love, the madness, and the craziness, and as what they say.. it’s magic.. but the thing is.. it refuses to believe in me..
here we go.. here we go again…
- * another chance to start life all over again
- * another lesson learned
- * another day..
- * another…. i dont know.. only time will tell…
