this past few days.. ive been havin’ this recurring dream wherein i will always wake up crying w/ the throbbing pain of emptiness that i was never really able to deal w/ for the longest time.
well, its about my brother.. in my dream.. we were watching tv, and fighting over the remote. coz i wanted to watch a love story, and he wanted to watch an action packed movie w/ lots of gun fights and blood everywhere w/c i really hate and find annoying and not to mention… hello… napaka morbid kaya..
pero lage.. he wud gve up the fight and walk out.. tamang batang nagtatampo w/ matching ansama pa ng tingin and ako, i wud enjoy my victory by laughing so hard and i wud even stick out my tounge and shout "pikon!" and at the end of my watching stint, i’d notice that he’s nowhere in sight.. i wud shout his name and no one wud answer, naka kain nako, nakapag linis na daw ako ng bahay, and gabi na sobra, i still couldn’t find him. sobrang nagaalala nako, i went out of the house to look for him, and i wud constantly call out his name praying that he would answer. but still no Mark would come to view.
I would always remember na while i was looking for him everything around me is dark.. its like nasa eskinita ako.. and may ilaw yah. pero i dont even know kng san nanggagaling ung light. and i never saw the end of it. the eskinita i mean, no matter how far i get feeling ko im always back to where i started.. hanggang sa mapapaupo na lang ako sa gilid. iyak lang ako ng iyak… while calling out his name. and that’s the part na magigising nko, and hanggang sa paggising ko, tinatawag ko pa rin ung name nya, and umiiyak pa din ako.
and then everything wud come rushing back. every emotion i felt way back when we lost him, i wud feel them all at once. it feels like hell. there are no words to fully describe how much i miss him even more than i already do. but i know that i deserve every bit of the aching sadness that im going through since all this started.
feeling ko in my dream I was given a part of the past that I hold so dear in my heart. and i was forced to face the reality that no matter how much i hold on to that… i should accept the fact that i lost him forever…
but still it ain’t over till I say it is.. coz no matter where I am, and no matter what the odds are, everytime i want to be w/ him, I know where to find him.. he’s in a place where i can always take him w/ me everywhere I go…
and that is.. in my heart.
It’s been more than seven years since Mark passed away.. pero grabe… parang kanina lang.. kasama ko pa sya…
I love you so much Mark..
MARK FRANCIS REYES NIÑONUEVO
Sept. 19, 1982 - Dec. 23, 1998
