ayan.. basa basa pa kc e..

im online everyday.. effect ng pagiging stay at home mom.. eh wala akong magawa since na update ko na ata lahat ng dapat kong i update online.. nakapag reply na dn ako ng bonggang bongga sa mga blogs ng aking super friends d2 sa multiply.. and then may biglang nag pop up na msg na i have new mail daw.. o cge na patulan na.. binasa ko na.. maganda naman.. from baklitang joeven.. after reading it..i decided to clean up my inbox and create new folders that would segregate mails from friends and the ones that should be kept on file.. ayan boring na...

anywhoooo... ayun.. i ran into some emails from way back.. as in 2 years ago ata or less... tapos eto na.. i saw some emails from a certain "friend".. tapos syempre binasa ko.. wala lang una naaaliw pko. mga sagutan and kamustahan.. na may ksamang kulitan and everything. tapos dumating na don sa medyo alam mo na... basta un na un.. o cge na nga.. klig monuments.. may past kc kame nung "friend" na un... sort of.. pero ndi naging kame ha.. or oo ata.. ewan.. basta un na un..


readng those emails made me smile. it made me remember how things were between us. tapos may i enter pa ang bgla kong pag reminisce sa mga ym & phone conversations before that lasted until the wee hours of the day.. i think the longest we've had was 5 hours ata. we never ran out of things to talk about.. ni d namin napapansin oras.. magugulat na lang kame at ayan na ang tindero ng pandesal.. pumopotpot na. minsan nga maliwanag na,


the last mail i rcvd from him was october of 2006.. medyo nagbabay na kme sa isat isa non..things happened.. he was asking me why i needed to let him go.. pero ndi ko na inexplain.. malalaman nya dn sa takdang panahon.. (Big brother?!)


but well.. things are really different now.. i still see him online sa ym.. almost everyday.. but unlike before.. parang display na lang sya sa list of online buddies ko.. sometimes nababsa ko status nya.. nagdradrama.. ndi naman ako ng me msg kase for sure wala dn naman ako sasabihn. so ayun deadma sa earth.


anyway after reading the last of his emails.. i deleted them.. not because its a waste of space.. but because.. aanhin ko pa un? noon pa un e. wala na syang relevance sa buhay ko ngayon.. so why hold on to it..

time really changes everything.. we used to be a part of eachother's day and now.. wala... kiber kong online ka? i would be lying right now if i say na khit konti e ndi ako nalungkot. syempre kahit papano, in a way, slight, oo. pero ganun e..

hayz.. wala lang.. basa basa pa kc e....

Quotes Worth Sharing

The memory of true love is like a
favorite song: no matter how many
times it

plays again and again, you never get
tired and bored of it.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Its heart breaking when you decide to
give your heart and no one would take
it..

but its even sadder when someone takes
it, promises to take care of it and
then...

gives it back broken..

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Sometimes you have to put up walls
around you...
not to keep people out.. but to see..
who cares enough to break them down
just to be with you...

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Someday, when the time is right, you
will find me beside you.
I will make up for the things i should
have done. you will hear the words
i should have said. But for now, let
me care the way i want..

silent... but deep.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

"You deserve someone better"

One of the most bullshit reasons ive
ever heard...
why???
coz he could have been better if he
tried to..
and it could have been me if he wanted
to.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

I was told not to hurt the heart of
whom i love so much..
but when i was busy taking care of
that heart..
i never noticed..

my own was slowly dying.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Day and night are linked in a way a
few things are; there cannot be one
without the other, yet they cannot
exist at the same time.
How would it feel? To be always
together, yet forever apart?

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Love is like handing someone a gun,
having them point it at your heart
and trusting them to never pull the
trigger.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

He is... my self inflicted pain..
a preposterous diversion..
a momentary bliss...
my blameworthy experience...
my poisonous religion..
He is...
my annoyance...
and yet...
He remains to be...

My only Happiness..

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Love isnt about ridiculous little
words. Love is about grand gestures;
its about airplanes pulling banners
over stadiums, proposals on jumbo
screens, giant words in skywriting.
Love is about going that extra mile
even if that hurts. Letting it all
hang out there. Love is about finding
courage inside you that you

didnt know was there.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^


You yearn for someone not because you
want to be complete..
but because you want to add more color
to your life..
That person musn't necessarily break
through your busy sched..
that person must inspire you to manage
your time well instead..
you see, its not a matter of distance
and time..
its more like friendship on a higher
level..
its smiling alone every once in a
while..
Knowing that somewhere, somehow,

someone smiles at the thought of you.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

You really wont know what love is
until you get to a point
where you're ready to trade 10 years
of your life for a single kiss, all
your wealth for
a single touch, or when ur willing to
leave someone you've been with for the
last decade
for a total stranger...

Love isnt about the time you spent
with someone or the challenges you've
gone through together.. its about that
rush of butterflies in your stomach..
or that single heartbeat that says..

"id rather have a day with this person
than spend an eternity with someone
else.. "

^~^~^~^~^~^~^


By some mischief of fate, we might
only truly fall inlove once.
You know, that one great love old
folks refer to.
Many lovers may get into our lives but
there is only one person, with that
one smile,
one kiss, one hug, and one moment,
that our hearts will never replace.
That person, sadly but usually, is the
one who got away.

That's why, after all the chips are
down, we know, we just know..

we'll never fall inlove that way
again...

^~^~^~^~^~^~^
^~^~^~^~^~^~^

In life we always search for answers because we want to prove to ourselves
that we had the right decisions, but the truth is, we can't search for what's
not there. Things happen because its meant to happen. That's why we forgive
people even if they hurt us, we love people who don't love us and we smile
despite every painful crash in our hearts. At the end of the day the lessons
you get are the answers to your decisions.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

I cared i was hurt..
I took risks, i failed..
I sacrificed,
I lost..
I hoped,
I gained nothing..
Yet..

I kept loving till every piece of me was broken.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

The things we do for love: How we're always there when they need us.
How we cant wait for their call when they're not around..
How we laugh at the silliest jokes and smile at d least compliments..
How we try to make them laugh when they're sad..
How we take care of everything they need.. How we let them kiss us
without asking.. How we let them stay w/o knowing till when they're
gonna stay.. How we hug them back so tightly as if we can keep and own
them.. How we stumble.. How we fall... the things we do for love...
It's always.. never enough..

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

In a failed relationship, there are 2 persons:
The one who left, & the one left behind..
the former enjoys a lot while the latter dies slowly.

The one who left rejoices as if he won a case.. the other one.. though not guilty was jailed..

the first will find a new love.. but the last will stick for love to come back...

the one who left brought memories and the other was left w/ a scar..

Lastly, the one who left wakes up w/ a brand new day while the one left behind wakes up w/ another day to battle the pain..

^~^~^~^~^~^~^

The human brain is the most outstanding thing..
It functions 24 hours... 365 days.. it functions right from the time you were born...

Until you fall in love...

Then I'm Guilty

Sunday, January 14, 2007 at 12:59pm

i didnt mean to break a heart. i tried everything in my power to make it work, to feel something.. i thought i did, but as it turned out.. i still need more time.

im sorry for causing you pain, but i did try to save you from a bigger one, thats why i did the unthinkable, to tell you the one true thing that could both save us from the inevitable.

u might think that im tough in handling all these, but really, im hurting, u might find that hard to believe, but its something that i will carry w/ me for the rest of my life.

i wasnt brutally honest w/ u, i was just plain honest.

i never meant to cause you pain, but as the song goes.. there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart.

so if sorry is all thats left to say.. then here it is..

im really sorry, and i hope that one day, you would find it in your heart to forgive me. what we had was not a lie. everything was real, so real that i had to come to this realization.

im sorry if im not ready for the life that you want to give me. id rather not take it and not enjoy the fruits of it, than to totally have it and not deserve it.

pls dont make this harder than it already is.. we both know this is not the end, and on what we have there is certainly no goodbyes..

just an open road that might lead us to different paths.

all the drama in the world cant make me feel any better....

is it wrong to be completely honest about how u feel??

is it wrong to save somebody you care for from greater pain?

am i selfish? is it really hard to understand me beyond my words?

is it wrong to back out on a life that is being presented to you that ur not really and totally ready for?

am i wrong for being completely honest about all this? am i selfish for saying all these things before its too late???

pressure??? kiss my ass!

how other people would react?? the hell i care!!

its my life. my decision.

and its only me who has a say on this..

if people would judge me.. then bring it on..

if u think im a cold hearted bitch.. then so be it...

no one has the right to judge me, no one knows my heart and the hell it went through.. but me.

i felt it all. been through hell and back.. and ive come out strong.

this one is my toughest yet... but dont worry, just like any other battle that was thrown at me.. i will too emerge as a better person.

you just wait..

Recurring Dream

this past few days.. ive been havin’ this recurring dream wherein i will always wake up crying w/ the throbbing pain of emptiness that i was never really able to deal w/ for the longest time.

well, its about my brother.. in my dream.. we were watching tv, and fighting over the remote. coz i wanted to watch a love story, and he wanted to watch an action packed movie w/ lots of gun fights and blood everywhere w/c i really hate and find annoying and not to mention… hello… napaka morbid kaya..

pero lage.. he wud gve up the fight and walk out.. tamang batang nagtatampo w/ matching ansama pa ng tingin and ako, i wud enjoy my victory by laughing so hard and i wud even stick out my tounge and shout "pikon!" and at the end of my watching stint, i’d notice that he’s nowhere in sight.. i wud shout his name and no one wud answer, naka kain nako, nakapag linis na daw ako ng bahay, and gabi na sobra, i still couldn’t find him. sobrang nagaalala nako, i went out of the house to look for him, and i wud constantly call out his name praying that he would answer. but still no Mark would come to view.

I would always remember na while i was looking for him everything around me is dark.. its like nasa eskinita ako.. and may ilaw yah. pero i dont even know kng san nanggagaling ung light. and i never saw the end of it. the eskinita i mean, no matter how far i get feeling ko im always back to where i started.. hanggang sa mapapaupo na lang ako sa gilid. iyak lang ako ng iyak… while calling out his name. and that’s the part na magigising nko, and hanggang sa paggising ko, tinatawag ko pa rin ung name nya, and umiiyak pa din ako.

and then everything wud come rushing back. every emotion i felt way back when we lost him, i wud feel them all at once. it feels like hell. there are no words to fully describe how much i miss him even more than i already do. but i know that i deserve every bit of the aching sadness that im going through since all this started.

feeling ko in my dream I was given a part of the past that I hold so dear in my heart. and i was forced to face the reality that no matter how much i hold on to that… i should accept the fact that i lost him forever…

but still it ain’t over till I say it is.. coz no matter where I am, and no matter what the odds are, everytime i want to be w/ him, I know where to find him.. he’s in a place where i can always take him w/ me everywhere I go…

and that is.. in my heart.

It’s been more than seven years since Mark passed away.. pero grabe… parang kanina lang.. kasama ko pa sya…

I love you so much Mark..

MARK FRANCIS REYES NIÑONUEVO

Sept. 19, 1982 - Dec. 23, 1998